Is there anything more fascinating than prurience? It’s profoundly amazing when moralizing folk want to educate everyone about something they officially want to restrict or prohibit on the grounds that it’s unhealthy, immoral, unsafe or harmful to “the children!” You could spend five minutes on Conservapedia and discover that it is a site devoted to the propagation of myths about the nitty-gritty of anal sex between men. Its encyclopedic veneer is entirely auxiliary; its hard-right conservatism is jock posturing. It is all a beard.
So I am outing Conservapedia. Its target demographic is people who feel that maleness is under attack and that a rising tide of not-quite-hatred (i.e., “tolerance”) threatens to overwhelm civilization with effeminacy in the face of terrorism and gross germs in the school cafeteria.
The links tell you a lot, and the taxonomic structure of the entire project tells you the rest. The category of homosexuality is treated as a veritable phylum on par with “science,” “religion,” or “art.” With near-infinite subcategories all linked together, each detailing a highly specific evil of teh gay. It’s compulsive. While it goes without saying that the entire thing is full of lies, distortions and a bias that could be characterized as hysterical hatred, it’s truly amazing reading material. I wrote my masters thesis on Left Behind, and this is a lot like that.
The entry on Teh Homosexual Agenda opens:
The homosexual agenda, or homosexual ideology, consists of a set of beliefs and objectives. The ideology and goals, as explained further below, include restricting free speech, obtaining special treatment, distorting science, and interfering with freedom of association. Like slavery before it, the homosexual agenda threatens basic freedoms, including the First Amendment.
ZOMG! They got it so wrong. Today, my agendum, and the agendum of sixty-five thousand other gays here in the World Capital of Tomorrow’s Non-Reproductive Empire, was to have sodomy and brunch. Although actually, I would have preferred that the music at Lime be quieter and less clubbish, so I guess I don’t like freedom of speech for other people, particularly when that speech is sung through a vocoder. I would also like a better table next time, which could be construed as special treatment. I admit to distorting science because I question the necessity of watering down unlimited mimosas with excessive OJ-from concentrate, and I concede there should be limits on freedom of association because I totally wish the gross frat group (undoubtedly drawn to the unlimited mimosas) would stay the fuck away from me in the future. Lastly, the waiter was hot and his accent sounded kind of French and I would love him to be my slave, so okay, Conservapedia totally busted me.
But the rest is complete bullshit. Hilarious, amazing bullshit. For example, under Goals, we have
5. Promote Homosexuality in Schools. in places like Massachusetts and California — where the gay lobby is the strongest — it starts as early as pre-school. They tell seven- or eight-year-old boys — “If you only like boys, there’s a chance you may be homosexual.” Or — “If you only like girls, maybe you are lesbian.” Well, at that age, all members of the opposite sex “have cooties.”
…
10. Force others to become homosexual, or at least try it once.
I’m going to diarrhea in my mouth. Cooties? Who thinks children are that suggestible? If telling kids in jest that they’re gay makes gay kids, we’re fucked. Do conservatives know what a school is, and how everyone who doesn’t catch a ball a single time is a faggot? Honestly, though, would it be so wrong to have a little gay history in schools? I mean, how many people under 18 knew who Harvey Milk was before, like, October? Although I know it’s the kind of that that to mention is to endorse, because teachers can’t teach facts (e.g., “There was such a person as Harvey Milk, who did x”) without automatically propagandizing our children, little promises of tomorrow that they are.
And as for number 10, Guilty As Motherfucking Charged. But coincidentally for conservatives, I’ve generally noticed that the hotter and more liberal a given straight guy is, the less homophobic he is too.
So, James Dobson? You’re off the hook.
The World’s Ugliest Dog? Probably homophobic.
As for Ryan Gosling, he’s in deep shit.
Seriously, Conservapedia, I’d tell you to go suck the rainbow if you weren’t already deep-throating it down to, like, indigo already.
Suck the Rainbow 