Ted Haggard, Wayward Fag

OMG, suck it, Ted Haggard.  You’re such a goddamn homo.

There isn’t even a closet for him anymore, so what is the emergency?  I mean, he’s flockless and reduced to selling door-to-door, which I didn’t even know  still went on.  What’s he selling?  Encyclopedias or Fuller Brushes?  He makes Larry Craig look dignified, because Larry Craig never got $300,000+ from the Senate after leaving it only to whine that they were mean to him.  Money quote:

Haggard said he isn’t qualified to judge what factors into one’s sexuality, but still believes it’s “God’s perfect plan” for marriage to be between a man and woman.

Umm, this isn’t actually about gay marriage, so cut the “perfect plan” shit.  It’s about calling out evangelical/conservative/religious opposition to deviant sexual orientations and acts–which of course would include hetero-blowjobs, in the eyes of our own Taliban.  Ted Haggard has either learned nothing or else he’s still completely invested in all the things he ruined his life lying to protect.  Lame.

Come back to the disco sauna, Ted Haggard, Ted Haggard.

Lemonade Cleanse

I’m doin it, baby.  I need to detox ’08 0ut of me.  (Shouldn’t have sucked all the mercury out of those dragon rolls).   No more solid food until we have a new president.

I did it last year and can confirm the rumors that it’s amazing, as long as you know what it isn’t: a weight-loss program.  I lost 14 pounds in 14 days but gained it all back within a week.  However, with the benefit of hindsight, I’ll be taking acidophilus as soon as I’m done so I can rebuild healthy intestinal flora.  That way you don’t have to eat a huge quantity of food just to absorb the normal amount of nutrients.

I did it for 12 days last January, and I had tons of energy–I found waking up at 5am because of laxative tea I drank the night before was enough sleep.  Plus your sense of smell improves dramatically, since the cleanse essentially purges the body of mucus and of course the nasal passages are a major mucus locus (eww).  While you do get an increased sensitivity to cold, and climbing several flights of stairs (or, say, a hill in San Francisco) can be taxing, it’s the shit.  You don’t experience unbearable hunger pangs, except on Day 2, which is the Wall. (I will be spending my Wall serving crab to old people at a country club.  Could get ugly).

14 days of warm, cayenne-y lemonade gets kind of monotonous but by the time you’re done everything tastes amazing.  Your caffeine and alcohol tolerances are sharply reduced, so you don’t be sucking back one red eye after another just to keep from screaming, nor will you drop $30 in a dive so easily.

It’s kind of a test of endurance.  If you can endure drinking a colonic salt water flush every morning, you can endure a lot.  (Sucking it down while it’s still hot is key; it’s like broth that way.  Otherwise, you’re just gulping the sea).  It’s like reading Pynchon or being a candidate in a primacaucus.